The “when I die” card…

Ever heard your narcissistic mother or narcissistic father (or let’s face it - whoever the narcissist in your life is!) say something like, "when I die, you'll regret treating me this way / not talking to me anymore / being a big meanie / whatever they think will make you feel guilty / etc."?

If you have, you're not alone.

“When I die you’ll be sorry!” was probably one of my late narcissistic mother’s favourite lines to use on me.

I’d be sorry I didn’t listen to her

I’d be sorry I moved out

I’d be sorry not to have her around anymore

Among many other things I was supposed to be sorry for throughout the years.

I can’t even tell you how old I was when the “when I die” card was first used on me because that’s how often it was used. I do remember crying myself to sleep as a kid, worrying about my mother dying. That was a nice wholesome childhood activity no? Builds character right? 🤦🏻‍♀️ (If I didn’t have a sense of humour at this point, I probably would’ve gone insane by now lol.)

Well, the day came.

My narcissistic mother died in 2020. And you know what? I’m not sorry for taking my mental health, sanity, and life seriously. After reaching a breaking point, and understanding that nothing I could possibly do would make my mother respect me as a human, I finally took my one life that I have so seriously that I did what was right for ME.

I set massive boundaries.

I went extremely low/no contact.

I did what I needed to do to protect my mental health.

I did my own inner work to heal from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse.

I put myself first for once.

I’m not sorry for any of that!

I would’ve been sorry if I kept going as I had been before realizing I had been raised by a narcissist. I’m also not sorry that choosing my sanity and doing this inner work led me to finding my purpose and doing what I do now - coaching survivors of narc abuse to heal, set boundaries, and live life on their own terms. (Click HERE if you’re interested in working with me!)

My late narcissistic mother’s choice to bring me into this world for the purpose of being an extension of her... had nothing to do with me. I was simply the casualty that happened to be there.

If you’re an adult child of a narcissistic parent, understand this:

You are not your parent’s keeper.

You’re your own individual person.

You’re allowed to live your life for yourself.

Leveraging their eventual death as a way to control and get supply from you is disgusting, manipulative and abusive. Give yourself permission to choose YOU.

Just because we’re all inevitably gonna die one day, it doesn't mean you’re obligated to put up with abuse. The “when I die card” is a sneaky way for narcissistic parents to guilt-trip you into doing what they want.

They make it sound like if you don’t meet their demands now, you’ll end up feeling horrible when they're gone. It’s an emotional trap designed to make you comply.

They’re using their inevitable eventual death as a form of leverage and emotional blackmail - and it’s super fucked up. Yes, everyone’s mortal, but that’s no excuse for manipulative behaviour. Recognize it for what it is—a power play.

Narcissistic parents are pros at hitting you where it hurts emotionally.

By talking about their dying, they're tapping into your natural fear of losing them, plus the guilt of not fulfilling their wishes. This tactic is all about control and keeps them in the spotlight.

Why does it work? Because it messes with your emotions. Fear of loss, guilt for not “being a good child,” and the looming dread of regret are strong emotions that can easily cloud your judgment.

When your emotions are triggered and your judgment is clouded, guess what? You’re easier to control. When you’re bamboozled with the “when I die” card, you’re more likely to do what your narcissistic parent wants you to do - in other words, you’re easier to control. Narcissistic parents exploit these feelings to keep you dancing to their tune.

Here’s a video I recently made on the topic:

I hope this post and the video above were helpful for you. For more resources and support, click HERE to see all my offerings and ways to work with me.