Are you ALLOWED to feel hurt?
So many survivors of narcissistic abuse gaslight themselves and truly believe they're not ALLOWED to feel hurt by what the narcissist said or did. If you question whether or not you're allowed to feel hurt (or anything for that matter), you might wanna read this email!
Let me get straight to the point: The answer is YES.
You are ALLOWED to feel hurt.
The question is... what gives the narcissist the authority to dictate how you are allowed to feel?
It's not up to them.
But narcissists manipulate us so well that we end up with faulty belief systems, so the narcissist in your life may have made you believe that they're the authority on your life, and how you feel, or how you don't feel, what you do, what you don't do, etc.
And this is a core belief especially if you were raised by a narcissistic parent, because this false belief was conditioned into you from day 1.
One of the biggest reasons why narcissists only abuse the people closest to them is because there's a level of trust built into that relationship. So when it's a parent, obviously you had no choice but to trust them for your survival. When it's a significant other, they create that trust with you in the love bombing stage (ie the beginning of the relationSHIT when everything was all sunshine and rainbows).
And what do we do with people we trust?
We believe them.
So if you've ever felt hurt about something the narcissist said or did and you tried to convey that to them, whether it's a parent, a significant other, a sibling or whoever, because of that built in level of trust, anytime you express your feelings, they shut you down.
For example they may have told you some, all or a variety of the following:
You're too sensitive
You're overreacting
You're unhinged
You're the problem
Something is wrong with you
You're this, you're that, etc
And you did what anyone else would do with someone they trust telling them these things... you believed them.
Crash course time
Let's use the emotion of anger as an example on how narcissists mess with your emotions, belief systems, and internal guidance.
If you're pissed off at something that the narcissist in your life said or did, and you tell them something along the lines of, "I'm really upset about this, can you not do that next time? This was really not okay." This would be reasonable with a normal, healthy person who's capable of self reflection, but since you're dealing with a narcissist they most likely told you: something's wrong with you for being angry about this, you're not allowed to feel that way, you're disrespecting me by feeling that way, the whole song and dance.
Not only do they evade accountability, they've also created a distraction by making you believe that something is wrong with you for being upset at whatever they did or said so you start focusing on yourself and how something is wrong with you for feeling how you feel instead of being focused on the actual issue of their abuse.
And anger has a very specific message for us anytime that we feel angry at something that somebody did, and it's usually along the lines "a boundary was crossed," or "something not okay happened here," and "a boundary probably needs to be set and I need to focus on what's important to me instead of this person's agenda".
But you don't get that message, because the narcissist distracted you by making you believe you're the issue for feeling angry to begin with.
Emotions are literally your guidance system, they are your GPS, and narcissists will do everything in their power to ensure that you are not listening to your internal guidance.
Instead, you're listening to them.
And this keeps you in a cycle of confusion because confused people are easier to control, and the narcissist gets to continue the cycle of abuse with you because you genuinely believe that you're the problem, their abuse gets swept under the rug, and you're focused on how abnormal you allegedly are because of these emotions that you have but according to the narcissist, shouldn't have.
The reality is it's completely normal to have emotions, and it's completely normal to feel hurt when somebody hurts you.
You would not feel hurt if this person didn't do something hurtful.
There's no emotion that you're not allowed to feel.
It's not up to anybody else.
You're the only person who experiences your nervous system, your emotions, and you are allowed to feel however you feel in any given moment, but obviously a narcissist is going to make you believe otherwise.
It's also none of the narcissist's business how you feel because they will take how you feel if you communicate it to them (and we've all made that mistake!), and they will make how you feel the problem. They will then go on to improvise on the spot more ways on how to manipulate you into giving them supply (your emotional reaction).
Supply is always their goal. Your emotional reaction, your time, your energy, your engagement in pointless conversations, any energy and attention you exert towards them is what they feed off of. And it doesn't make sense when you're a normal person with empathy who couldn't imagine doing this to other people so don't sweat it if you're having trouble understanding this - it just means you're a normal person with empathy!
If the narcissist knows you're hurt, they're thrilled that you're hurt because that makes them feel powerful and in control, and they will hurt you even more by telling you that you're not allowed to feel hurt.
This is why it's so important to do the inner work because this is decades of conditioning, and it's not something you're going to unlearn overnight.
Eventually you will get to a point where you'll start noticing that you're gaslighting yourself, and you're going to get curious about why you're gaslighting yourself.
Instead of judging yourself for feeling a certain way, you're going to ask yourself, "why am I judging myself for feeling this way? I'm a normal human with emotions, and it's okay to have emotions, and it's it's none of anybody else's business how I feel. Let me go feel those feelings!" And you're going to process those emotions and feel so much better.
...instead of being in a days-weeks long bamboozled trauma response state.
It is attainable, and you can get there. One day at a time, one baby step at a time, you got this. 💙
PS: If you don't know where to start your healing journey, here are 3 options for you to get started:
Click HERE to take my free quiz on uncovering your path to freedom after narcissistic abuse if you haven't taken it yet! The results will give you practical tools and information on taking those baby steps towards healing and doing the inner work.
If you missed my email at the beginning of this month, this is a reminder that my FREEDOM Group Coaching Program is discounted all August long (figured I'd do a promo during my birthday month cause why not!) Click HERE to take advantage of the discount before the 31st. If you join this week, you'll get to take part in Voxer day on Monday plus our second Q&A for August next Wednesday!
If you're READY to truly invest in yourself and your healing journey, I invite you to submit a waitlist application for the next round of my B.U.L.L.E.T.P.R.O.O.F. group coaching program. Click HERE to submit your application, secure your spot for the next round, and get a significant discount just for getting on the waitlist.
